A Thousand Deaths

A thousand deaths, a thousand and one lives. This is the strangest one thus far. I need to die just one more time, please. The door to my heart is jammed shut. Bad stuff stays in. Good things stay out. I want to kill the pain. It seems invincible right now. Numbing is possible. Ignoring it for a while also is an option. Yet, it ultimately prevails over me. It has me where it wants me. I want it dead and or gone! Please God take the pain or take me away from it. Is it a good day to die? A thousand and one deaths are now eminent. The pain and emptiness are more familiar to me than any other thing in this life. I hate them deeply, but they also bring a strange comfort to me at times. Do I really want them gone? Am I afraid of what is around the corner? I don’t know. I do know that I am a miserable failure to the tenth power. I know God can change this in a twinkle of an eye, but I don’t know if He will or if I will persistently allow Him to. This viscous cycle has got me dizzy to the point of being nauseous. Desire has led to Hunger, and hunger to Pain, and pain to Torment. My soul is undoubtedly under torment. I can deal with it. I have dealt with it. Oh God how much longer must I deal with it. If desire would fade, my pain would fade as well. My unfulfilled desire has only gradually but surely augmented. In turn my pain has escalated to new heights. I am losing myself to this wretched identity. I have gained first hand knowledge of a despairing state of mind. All it’s intricacies are now well known to me. I relate to those who have succumbed to a fatal end at their own doing. Pain with purpose is laced with dignity and motivation. Pain alone diminishes the essence of this life to the point of hopelessness. As it has been said, man can live without many things for a while, but not without hope for long. I am running on fumes presently. Will I reach the divine service station before I am done? God Knows…

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About Dionys

I am perpetually seeking the aesthetics found in the realm of diverse creative arts. I am often dedicated to producing creative projects also. I balance my intellectual pursuits with various action sports. I consider physical fitness important along with adequate nutrition. I am an avid traveler and an explorer of wild places. I am Biblically Literate therefore a Believer in Jesus.
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