It started a few years ago. I was conducting my own little experiment of sorts. I did not anticipate the roller coaster ride I was in for though. A neighbor introduced the magic pill to me one Friday night. He gave me a free sample. I reluctantly accepted it. I tried something similar years prior to that, but I intuitively knew this would be different. The reason I considered taking this pill was due to the circumstances revolving around me at the time. Everything seemed to fade as far as my social life was concerned. The group of acquaintances I was involved with had scattered. I remained in loose contact with a few of the individuals, but things definitely were not the same. Furthermore, I saw no prospect for any positive change in the horizon.
It was in this context that I sat alone in my room staring at the magic pill in my hand. A nervous energy started stirring in my gut. I took an unsteady deep breath before I swallowed my neighbor’s gift. I went outside for fresh air right after that and immediately saw my neighbor walking his dog by my house. Seeing him surprised me, but I quickly tried to cover my anxious emotions. He just nodded and kept walking by. The effect hit me about half an hour after while I was watching television. The ordinary began to seem extraordinary. Sounds and colors took on new meaning and interest. I stood up and looked into the mirror and barely even recognized myself. This was in and of itself not a bad thing I thought. The experience that night lasted till I went to sleep about two hours later.
I woke up the next Saturday morning a bit more weary than usual. I looked at the alarm clock and it read 10:30 AM. I could not recall much of what happened the night before, but my mind was buzzing from the whole event. My conscience was being pricked ever so subtly. I tried to busy myself with my morning routine to stave away this uncomfortable feeling. I decided to go to a beach that would be scarcely populated. I brought a towel and my beach chair to the sand. As I was setting up, I saw a shadow hovering over my stuff. I looked into the face of a guy I had never seen before. He introduced himself to me saying his name is Harry. I was suspicious of him until he told me that we briefly met at a sporting event a month ago. I did indeed recognize him at that point. We made small talk until he pulled a small wrapping from his pocket. I knew what was coming next. I graciously declined his invitation to the magic pill and a moment later he left, but not before leaving his business card with me.
Three weeks later while riding my bike a strange urge was rising from my stomach.. I was craving that special feeling brought on by the magic pill. I resisted the urge right on the spot. I went about my business for the next couple of days before I had another episode. This time the urge was stronger. I began to justify the reasons to submit to this desire. The reasons came in like a flood. I promptly looked for my neighbor, but he was not home. I instantly remembered that I had Harry’s telephone number and dialed it. A recording came on advising me that the number was no longer in use. I checked to see if I had dialed right and surely I did. I paused a few moments wondering just what I was going to do. It was already late and I did not see my neighbor’s car on his driveway. I frustratingly relented my search and drifted into restless sleep.
I briefly dreamt of the effects I had felt that night a few weeks prior. I woke up even more determined to hook up again with the magic pill. I saw my neighbor working on the stereo system in his car. I approached him and initiated a conversation about the sound system. I then shifted the topic to my search. He said he just ran out of his supply the night before and he did not know when he would have more. I then proceeded to make a call to an old friend. He said he knew someone who sold the stuff. We arranged to meet at my house and then go in my car to the sellers apartment in the North Side of town. We were stuck in traffic on the way over. My anxiety was building as my old friend talked about his present job among other things. All I could do was politely appease him as he continued to talk. We finally arrived at the place and climbed three flights of stairs to the guys apartment. My friend knocked lightly on the door three times and a moment later the door slowly opened half way. There was no one standing by the door way.
My friend stepped in right in as I followed. The room was brightly lit and very orderly. I then saw the seller for the first time sitting at the dining table dressed in business slacks and a long sleeved shirt. My friend introduced us and the seller motioned for us to have a seat with him. I placed a $20 bill on the table and he placed a piece of aluminum wrap right in front of me. I noticed two pills outlined by the wrapping. I stuffed it in my pocket. The seller assured me I may contact him directly from that point on. I drove quickly back home weaving in and out of traffic. As soon as my friend drove away, I popped one of the two pills I bought. A short while after I was back in that special blissful state of mind.
For the next few years I toggled back in forth between times of abstaining and indulging. I acquired contact with two other sellers during this time. I was obtaining higher quality product for a better price. My tolerance level was escalating after about two months of sporadic use. I needed Two magic pills to give me the effect one use to give me. I determined to quit numerous times, but failed each time. I went as far as deleting my contacts numbers from my cell phone, only to regret it later and retrieve them again somehow. I tried to change my routine and incorporate new activities to accommodate my abstinence, but any success was always short lived. I would even be able to stay away from it for months at a time, but the cravings would always get the best of me. I was accepting the fact that I would have to live and die with this addiction.
I would drag thru each day looking forward to the night time when I would ingest the lovely magic pill. All my problems previous to this roller coaster ride were still there. My reaction to them however, was growing worse. I was falling deep into despair. My life was meaningless and aimless. I saw no way out of this persistent living nightmare. I felt all alone in this cruel world. No one really understood the complexity of what I was going thru, even though there were certain individuals trying to comprehend. I was grateful for their outreach, but was seemingly unfazed by it all.
One particular stormy night after work, I was especially troubled deep in my soul. I had just taken my last dose two days prior. I was fresh out of supply and was debating with myself if I should make that infamous call for more. I decided to simply go for a drive. I had no exact plan, I just wanted to get out of the house. Winter had just begun so it was already dark at about 7 pm when I went for the drive. The rain was coming down hard and a chilly wind was blowing just as strong. I arrived to a edge of a forest on the South Side of town. I use to come to this place when I was a teenager. It always freaked me and my friends out when we would venture into this big forest in the night. The rumors of what would take place there helped amp this feeling. I sat in my car blankly staring at the rain hitting the car’s windshield. Suddenly a viscous anger started to rise inside me. In a blinded fury I got out of the car inthe midst of the storm.
I ran hard and fast into the forest. I could hear howling all around me. This only fed my rage. I did not know if I was running to something or from something. I abruptly stopped next to some large fallen trees. At this point I was totally soaked and I had mud splattered all over my cloth.
An unreal energy was possessing me, as I screamed at the top of my lungs amidst the awful howling in the forest. I screamed until I was out of breath. I was gathering more air into my lung s so I may proceed to scream. Just then I hear footsteps coming my way. I immediately turned in the direction of the footsteps. At first I saw nothing, but then I saw a figure emerge out of the darkness right in front of the huge logs. I hear my name called out in disbelief. I too could not believe who I was seeing. It was and old girl-friend from when I was a teenager. I recognized her even though her appearance had changed a lot for the worse. Just like me, she was soaked and muddy. I noticed she had gained weight and her face looked prematurely aged.
I felt embarrassed by the whole scenario. She broke the ice and asked me what I was doing there. I answered her question with the same question. Neither of us was coming clean as to our reason for being alone in the middle of a forest on a cold and stormy night. She instantly angered and started to verbally lash out at me. She was bringing up our turbulent relationship when we were teenagers. I was astonished at her outbreak. I stood there stunned. She caught me unaware and slapped me hard on my face and turned around to run back in the direction she came from. I took off after her but stumbled on one of the logs. I tried to quickly get up from the mud but slipped back down. The howls in the forest were now growing louder. This time I got back up slowly knowing I would not be able to successfully pursue my x-girlfriend. Out of utter frustration I started to wildly pelt my fists on a tree. After about a minute, I pulled back my hands. The rain was mixing with my bloody fists.
I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I surely did not want to live anymore. I hated my life and I seriously hated myself. I sat on one of the logs and shed a warm tear of hopelessness on my already wet face. I bent forward and buried my face in my hands. I had no notion as to what to do next. I slowly lifted my head up and prayed that I may die. The howls seemed to get closer. Even though fear was running rough shod in my heart, I welcomed the terror. I stood up and threw my hands in the air and declared ‘come on and get me already.’ In the blink of an eye, everything went still. The howling ceased, the rain subsided, and whipping wind calmed down. I remained standing there with my hands limp by my side. I wasn’t sure what just happened, but I knew something was different there in the forest. I was also under the influence of the Power that entered that forest. I dropped to my knees and desperately cried out to God for His Mercy. I felt a measure of peace that had become foreign to my soul. I made my way back home that night hoping there would be a significant change in and around me. I can not tell you more, because the rest has not happened yet. Maybe one day all this madness will make more sense.
Sincerely, dee k.
P.S. ??? Read in between the lines???