I saw her at the gathering’s onset, but I did not know who she was. When I met her personally, I failed to make the connection until a few days after. My attention was drawn to a measurable extent at first sight, but it was not until I spoke with her in our impromptu appointment that I was seriously affected. These feelings that overcame me were both foreign and familiar simultaneously. The simple charm accompanied by clarity of will and speech worked on my defenses without hesitation. Time’s relevance began to lose its grip on me. I wished I could steadily maintain eye contact, but I wanted to keep certain dignity. The more I would hear and look the weaker I was becoming. I have been sleeping somewhere cold and isolated it seems for so many years without end. I thought I heard someone actually call me.
When it came time to walk and talk, things seemed natural enough though it was my first time having someone join me. The session downstairs was interesting. The creep from the Mile High City proved to be something of intrigue and possibly a sign of a meaningful encounter. The images I captured in this session captured me rather fiercely. Thus reinforcing the strength of stirred up emotions. When it was time to bid farewell my own awkwardness was to be revealed. As the evening progressed so did unrelenting thoughts of hope and confusion. I felt alive. I felt alone. I felt engaged. I felt disconnected. This was new to me. I actually met someone I liked. The conflicts however were glaring to me. Certain incompatibilities were obvious also.
I did not entertain the thought or illusion of a real future that would materialize from this event. I only wished to further connect in the immediate future to some level or fashion. I convinced myself to follow through not allowing for any regret in this window of a few days. She would fly away a few days from that point. I asked a question I have wanted to ask for a long time. It was a simple thing really, but an initiator of grander possibilities. What happened next caused me to fall in an emotionally raging turmoil. My invitation was accepted at a higher cost than I was ready or willing to pay. Dread was mixed in the turmoil that evening. Trying to find peace about the following morn proved near impossible. What I was looking forward to actually turned into something I was looking fast forward past.
I found myself trying to minimize the most awkward of positions I have been dealt. It could have gone worse, but I suppose it could have gone better also. The conclusion came as a relief as I suspected it would. The relief was conquered wholly by grief however shortly thereafter. Something akin to depression found its home inside my very heart. The fruits of evil were ripe before long. The heaviest blow it seemed was what I heard spoken so nonchalantly before we entered the gates of the garden. I suspected it was the case, but the confirmation weighed on me without remedy. The loneliness felt unbearable now. I felt like I was put in such a predicament to be thoroughly mocked. This experience was new to me. The thrill and the fall were both at high levels.
In what seemed like hope against hope, but I was called that evening. The charm and wit she effortlessly possesses made its way to me via cellular communication. I even hoped for one final and more meaningful face to face meeting. I withdrew my expectation and granted my farewell. I reserved an inkling of hope by keeping my speaking device on. The morning after, I was feeling the withdrawal before I saw her name on my device. For days the trace of such has been ubiquitous to me. Seeing that she called me last night before she was to fly away was a very hard thing to swallow. My device was on, but I was off not even hearing its chime. It was the call I most regret missing in my life that I can recall. The wondering in my mind tormented me deeply. Was she just wanting to simply say good bye or was it something else? Did she want to meet one last time? The regret worked like poison in my blood.
I readily received a small gift from Above in the way of small ocean waves with a good mixture of breeze and sunshine. The ocean itself could not drown out my rotary thoughts on the matter. It is late evening now as I reflect and rehearse the happenings of these last few days both externally and internally. I am looking for a resolution. I don’t recall ever feeling quite like this. It is a frightening revelation that I can fall this fast and hard on account of such a casual encounter. She has a power over me that I am sure she is unaware of. It is the nature of the understated that spoke louder than words. I seriously doubt I will ever see her face again. This indeed makes me very sad. Part of me refuses to be consoled in the matter simply because she matters to me too much. I feel like such a fool. A fool that fell so hard with little to no provocation. This is a very dark time in my life now. The spark that was there left me even blinder than before. I feel so deprived of love altogether. It seems like I will never find a reciprocal love and mutual acceptance that my soul so desperately needs.
This journal entry marks the last of a series of attempts to purge deadly emotions from my being. I have composed 5 songs in 5 days ranging from dark pensive to high energy. I wish I could sincerely confess "I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future."