Mixed Up

I am really mixed up here. I am emotionally conflicted. This is wonderfully terrible. This is terribly wonderful. What do I really want? What does she really desire? I am awake while I sleep. I am afraid of where this may go. I don’t know where this may go. I think highly of her, but do we match?  Distance is a problem though not an impossible one. Culture is an issue, but not so much where I am concerned. The outside sources I am sure would prove to be difficult to deal with. I want something more. I want something less perhaps. I don’t think this is it, but I can’t absolutely prove it is not. I really am mixed up here. There is some good fruit of which I am being nourished by. I am enjoying this fleeting glimpse at companionship albeit distant and limited. From the onset of conversing with her I feel it makes sense in a strange way. It also crosses my mind that I acted without authorization. I feel like my resolve is melting. She is a sound daughter of the Most High. I perceive her to be beautiful and intelligent. Her charm is evident. Kindness seems natural and seamless to her. She has class too, and growing talents.

I just wanted to initiate a simple chat, but I guess my make up does not allow things to open and close quickly and easily. Kevin Ross now comes to mind. I think I need to converse with him. I am almost sure I know what he will say. Still I want to share this new experience (or lack thereof). There is a tension within my soul. It is like strings of an instrument pulled apart at opposite ends. I want to flee. I want to gently yet firmly apply the brakes. I guess I always knew that such emotion could escalate this rapidly. I sure did not envision it to occur like this though. I want to meet with her in a dreamy wonderland where consequence would be voided. I want to see, hear and feel her near me. There is so much unknown right now. I feel like a fool…again. O my GOD, I am so mixed up. I think this is wrong. I am sad and confused. I am mostly foreboding where this is going. It is my dream, it is not my dream. I want it. I don’t want it. It is too great a compromise. It is above me. This could be good. This could really be bad. I hope in God for his guidance on the matter. I don’t want to go backward at this juncture. She has captured me with her soft spoken ways and kind words. When have I ever had this? I do not recall. I am scared now. I have this nervous energy that waxes and wanes. Her land is marvelous and mystical. The history runs deep. I am fascinated by its coasts, mountains and animals. In this land lay an international society. She is slender and shapely. Her features are set in symmetry. She is strong, but not imposing. Is she worthy of trust? I almost want her to inflict me so I may find familiarity. I am now in foreign territory. It has not even been a week since we first spoke. I am ashamed of myself. I have fallen over a pebble in the sand. Is this poor girl in the wrong place at the wrong time so as to be entangled by my ways? I tell myself this is not happening, yet every day the atmosphere is getting thicker so that I am having trouble thinking straight. I am mixed up about the attention she is paying me. I want it. I don’t want it. Could it be something in between?

I am trying to find the answers and where I do belong. Is it up to me? Does this pertain to her or is it God’s will? I wish I knew for sure. What will I think of such a journal entry in time to come? Will I despise it or will it be endearing to me? All my life I had someone else in mind. At this age I feel like I cannot afford any failure in a relationship. I think that were it a few decades ago I wouldn’t forebode this way in such a case. I have changed. The times they are changing too. Where are you my love? Do you even exist or are you just a figment of my limited imagination? I am getting some mixed up signals. When a person is as emotionally charged as I am, signals from all directions are picked up. For better or worse, I take you to be my Grace. I am double minded in this.

 

I want to run
I want to hide
I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame
Where the streets have no name

I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain
Where the streets have no name

Where the streets have no name
Where the streets have no name
We’re still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love
And when I go there
I go there with you
It’s all I can do

The city’s aflood
And our love turns to rust
We’re beaten and blown by the wind
Trampled in dust
I’ll show you a place
High on a desert plain
Where the streets have no name

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About Dionys

I am perpetually seeking the aesthetics found in the realm of diverse creative arts. I am often dedicated to producing creative projects also. I balance my intellectual pursuits with various action sports. I consider physical fitness important along with adequate nutrition. I am an avid traveler and an explorer of wild places. I am Biblically Literate therefore a Believer in Jesus.
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